smile

27 April 2oo7, Friday [2nd time iie update]

iie guess i'll neber get tired of updating my blog...
why?...
coz it's da only thing that's keeping company iie guess...
iie dunno wad happen to miie this April...
iie lost so much of important things around miie...
iie can barely stand up on my own...
luckily some other things happen to pull miie up...
but my legs are still weak though...
one blow and i'll fall again...
iie hope that little blow will not happen....
plz dun let it happen....
ppl say tragic happen to make ppl stronger...
iie guess it' s rite...
but iie dunno how long iie can hold on...
let miie tell u how iie had been holding on all this while...

Sec 1 iie had a bewi big blow...
it's juz one thing yet is a very huge prob...
almost da whole Sec 1 n 2 gals turn against miie...
my fren break with her boyfren then ask miie stead with him...
iie didn't agreed yet she force and plead miie...
iie ask her why she say she juz wants miie to keep his boyfren accompany...
so iie say i'll see how bahx...
then da next day she told a group of sec 2 gals that iie stole her bf...
iie with like =="...
then da rest of da weeks...
iie had miserable days...
iie cried 24/7 ....
iie dunno wad's going on and wad to do....
and da only thing iie could do that make miie feel better issh to cut my vains...
luckily iie didn't cut it too deep nor did iie get my wound infected...
well...
soon things were clear coz they somehow figure it out that iie would put my life in danger for nth...
and da scar followed miie for da rest of da year untill iie was sec 2....
then iie realise it's no longer there...

On seconday 2...
iie had stress on my family...
as usual...
alway quarrel...
then my steads mom always gibing miie prob...
then studies slack...
alot of things iie felt guildty of....
iie dunno wad acturaly going on..
i'm was juz so confuse..
so how iie kill my stress?...
iie did a stupid thing.... iie smoke...
how did iie gt them?...
iie had a god bro from da army...
and he helped my buy it...
one pake got about 20 and cost about $8+...
iie bought SKL strawberry...
and it kinda help miie get my mind off da prob...
luckily iie wasn't addicted...
coz iie didn't tarate... [means breath in da smoke]
so it's like juz playing with da smoke...
and soon got over it...
my only regrets is that my best frens even followed my foot steps...
but luckily she could get it off her too...

And da 2nd Blow...
This year, Sec 3 year...
Around march...
iie had probs with my sister...
no matter wad iie do iie still feel left out...
and...
iie wan't being a good gf then either...
iie was like totally gone nuts...
iie dunno wad am iie thinking nor wad am iie doing...
and da same thing again...
family...
so iie started smoking again...
to tell da truth...
iie dun like smoking...
but iie had to...
that's da only thing iie can get my mind off sad stuff...
and this time...
iie tarate...
everytime after smoking...
iie feel abit dizzy and my hand and leg start feeling cold then sometime my hand start shaking...
iie dun like it...
iie realli dun like it... but wad can iie do...
iie feel so left out...
even though iie hab dar dar...
but iie dunno wad iie doing either...
so childish and stupid iie was then...
so da last time iie smoke...
iie volmited and couldn't take it any more...
dar dar rush down from tampiness and came to miie...
iie was realli touch...
and that's when he found out iie smoke...
he was realli angry and upset and disappointed...
my heart felt like it's tearing apart when iie see him like that...
so iie promise him iie wouldn't smoke any more...

then things started going all so well untill...
Da 3th Blow...
da bigest one...
this current one...
iie lost cp, my best fren, my best mei...
and notice iie was always lying to myself...
cp issh juz stress...
so she's being so cold...
let's juz leave her for awhile...
that's that only thing iie could tell myself...
iie didn't realise she was acturally hating miie....
iie couldn't believe it when iie know she hated miie...
it realli hurt...
iie lost my soul that day...
da min iie lost her...
iie lost myself...
then exams coming....
iie couldn't cope up....
get home....
quarrel with mother...
then chat with dar...
dar always seems busy...
so dun dare to distrub him....
felt more left out...
iie dunno where am iie suppose to belong any more...
iie can't find some where that iie can belong...
iie am like no longer needed to any one any more...
and this guy, Hendry juz came to miie and made miie felt needed...
so iie went to him as a mei n kor...
and told him my probs...
he make miie feel he's also searching for somewhere that he'll be needed...
so iie tried to make him feel comfortable and stays happi when he's with miie...
iie know iie had a pass prob with him but...
iie dunno...
iie juz wants to make his day...
but it turns out like iie was taking him as a bro too seriously that iie forgot to look to deep...
and....
that makes miie lose my dar....
juz a smiple holding hands with a kor kor...
maybe iie was too much...
now talking about this...
iie felt so bad...
iie feel so guilty for nt standing at dar's point of view...
iie can neber forgive myself....
and iie know clearly...
iie dosen't deserve to be forgive any more...
my mind must not be that simple...
iie shall fix up my brain abit....
and now wad iie use to kill these depression?...
nth....
all iie got issh a bed to cry in...
and da little candle of hope dar dar n cp gives miie...

iloveyou....